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Q: If I talk to my kids about sex, does that increase the likelihood of sexual experimentation?
A: By being clear about your own sexual values and attitudes your children are in fact more likely to adopt a value system that’s fairly similar to your own. For example, letting your kids know that you value education highly can help them stay focused on achieving success in the future.
Q: What age do you start?
A: Age appropriate conversation about relationships and intimacy should begin early in a child’s life and continue through adolescence. Don’t stop with just one conversation. While it’s never too late to start talking about sex, it’s a good idea to start talking before your child is old enough to begin dating. Children who already know that they can set their own limits are better prepared to do so once they start to date.
Q: When is a good time to talk?
A: Use every day examples as opportunities to discuss sex with your child. Use things you see on television, in teen magazines or in other media to start a discussion in a casual way.
Q: What do I do if I’m uncomfortable talking about sex with my child?
A: Remember it’s okay to be uncomfortable. Your child may be too. When you voice your own embarrassment or confusion, your child may feel more comfortable talking about his or her own feelings. Try to remember your own experiences, and be sensitive to the confusion that your child is probably feeling.
Q: How do I start the conversation?
A: Be approachable. Your child will be more receptive if you treat him or her as an equal partner in the conversation. Be clear and specific about why you are talking. You are not just checking-in with your child - you want them to know how important it is to wait to have sex.
Start the conversation more than once. The more often you talk, the easier it will be. Again, resist the idea of initiating only one “big talk”.
Q: How do I know how much information to give?
A: While it’s important to share accurate information about sex and relationships with your children, sharing your feelings about values and beliefs about sexuality and relationships is equally important. Also be sure to explain why you feel the way you do so you can teach them more about their family, culture and religion. Casually ask them what they think. Listen respectfully and seriously to their ideas and opinions too.
Q: How do I answer the really hard questions?
A: You may not always know what to say and that’s okay. If you don’t know the answers to a question, find an outside resource that you can explore together with your child, such as a book or a magazine article dealing with sexual issues.
Sometimes the question behind the questions is “Am I normal?” Reassure your child as often as possible if they raise questions about sexual development, sexual thoughts and sexual feelings.
Stay positive. Let your children know you’re not trying to control their sexual feelings or activity — you’re trying to help them make decisions for themselves.
Tell them that sexual feelings are OK and natural – it’s what they do with those feelings that is important.
Q: What if my teen knows more specifics than I do?
A: Although your teen may know more facts and specifics than you do, create a learning opportunity for both of you by discussing what he/she has learned and what they think. Take advantage of the opportunities to share your values, attitudes and beliefs. Talk about how you felt at their age.
Let you child do some of the talking! Make sure at some point you ask your child whether he or she wants to wait to have sex…and make sure you listen!
Tell you kids that they do not have to have sex if they do not want to. This may seem like common sense, but it is something that can’t be said enough.
Q: What if my child doesn’t want to talk to me?
A: Show them that you trust them. Suggest other people that they may feel more comfortable talking with — a doctor, counselor, or another adult who you and your child both trust.
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